I first began to get a clue that I was bisexual when I was about nineteen. I'd always known I was attracted to men, but it finally started to dawn on me that I had the same kinds of feelings for women--always had, just hadn't had a place to put them in my old frame of reference.
I was happy enough with my new discovery, but I soon found out that not everyone else was. This was the late seventies, when there were no bisexuals--or if there were, it was better if they'd just choose one gender or the other, for the good of the community. Or at least, that's what people told me. Bisexuals were confused, going through a phase, scared to admit they were really gay, clinging to heterosexual privilege, deluded by the patriarchy, untrustworthy, playing with the hearts of good lesbians and taking their wommon energy only to squander it on men--in other words, definitely not something you'd want to be.
So I set out to get over all that and learn to be a good Kinsey 6 lesbian. I wore the uniform. I talked the talk. I joined the college Gay and Lesbian Students group and became quite the Big Dyke on Campus. I wrote articles, staffed information tables in the Student Union, and spoke on panels. Not long after I finished grad school, I helped start the Standing Committee for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Awareness in ACPA, a professional association in my field. Before long I was chairing the committee, and thousands of colleagues and potential employers could see me out there as one of the most visible lesbians in the profession.
That's what made it so awkward when I kept wanting men, falling for men, sleeping with men (including a few "gay" men I knew through the Gay and Lesbian Students). I felt guilty, like I was lapsing into a bad habit I couldn't quite shake--but the attractions didn't go away, no matter how uneasy the cognitive dissonance made me feel.
And gradually, the word "bisexual" started creeping back into my vocabulary. It was a much harder coming out than the first one. It took me years to be able to say the b-word without stuttering and mumbling and feeling anxious. I'd created a comfortable identity and a home for myself in the gay community, and I wasn't sure I wanted to let go of that, or how people were going to take it. But I found that most folks I knew seemed to handle it okay, or at least to get used to it eventually. I also found that it concerned me less and less what they thought.
Saying I'm queer still seems to confuse some folks, especially since I got married. That hasn't changed anything--I'm still bi. For the record, yes, Tony knows, has from the beginning; no, he doesn't have a problem with it (hardly!); no, I don't have a girlfriend at the moment. If there's anything more you'd like to know, feel free to ask (and of course, I'll feel free to answer, or not!)
I'm not quite as active in the queer community as I used to be. Before I moved to Seattle I helped start up a chapter of BiNet in Santa Barbara, but I haven't gotten involved in the local groups here. I still do an occasional "Queer 101" workshop or help with a bi discussion group at the ACPA conference. I find the occasional opportunity to do a little queer activism. I'm on a few of Internet listservs on queer topics, which gives me a chance to exchange information and talk about issues that concern us with other queer and queer-friendly folks. And I like to think I'm being a positive role model for the students I work with, like the people that were so important to me when I was younger--a happy, healthy, proud, queer, bisexual one.
So here are some of my favorite bi links:
Bi and Bi-Inclusive Groups Worldwide
Bi publications:Bi Community News the newsletter for UK bisexuals
Bi merchandise:The Bisexual Resource Center sells bi products like t-shirts, stickers, buttons and more.
JamieCo Design Bi & Proud Collection
LGBTees.com
has some fun bi-themed t-shirts
Off and on for a few years I've been subscribed to a wonderful listserv called Bisexu-L. It's made up of bi and bi-friendly people from all over the world. The conversations there range far beyond the subject of bisexuality, touching on just about everything that concerns us as bisexual people. It is, in turns, gossipy, contentious, supportive, silly, enlightening, fluffy, thought-provoking, infuriating, funny, and almost always interesting. I've met a few of my favorite people in the world there (some of them in the real world as well, some just online so far). Bisexu-L's home page will tell you more about the list and its denizens.Another interesting new listserv I've joined recently is PNW-BI, a list for bisexuals and bi-friendly people who live, physically or emotionally, in the Pacific Northwest. For more information, see the PNW-BI home page.
I've done several "Bisexuality 101" workshops over the years, and I've developed or borrowed some good resource materials and handouts to use as part of them. Here are a few, saved as .pdf files, that you might find useful in your own work. If you need it, you can download the free Adobe Reader program required to read the files here.This is a handout on the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, based on the work of Dr. Fritz Klein.
This is set of suggested guidelines for working with bisexual students and l/g/b student groups. I developed this for a workshop I did at ACPA several years ago.
This is an exercise on exploring the power of labels, developed by Dr. David Barnett and myself.
This is a guided fantasy on gender and sexual orientation, developed by Dr. David Barnett.
Not all bisexual people are polyamorous, and not all polyamorous people are bi--but some of us are. Here are a few good sources of information on polyamory:Responsible Non-Monogamy: A Brief Introduction to Polyamory
Polyamory: What It Is and What It Ain't is a speech given to a Unitarian congregation by a member of the Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness
alt.polyamory Home Page--this Usenet newsgroup's site provides a basic but fairly comprehensive introduction to the subject.
Poly Families talks about polyamorous households, advice on saving money, and help to find the legal arrangements you need to make your family dream a reality. There's even a poly comic strip!
Howard Landman's Polyamory Index is a list of various sources of information about long-term non-monogamous relationships--organizations, books, magazine and newspaper articles, songs, movies, religion, law and more.
Stef's Poly Post Archive is a collection of writings from alt.polyamory and the triples and poly mailing lists, plus other great resources on polyamory.
"Free Love Grows Up" is an article from the Boston Phoenix on polyamory and the Boston poly community.
"Meet Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Jones" is another good article from the Houston Press
"The Polyamory Contract" This essay from Scarlet Letters is an interesting read. The author's relationship is a little more regimented and rule-bound than I'd be comfortable with, but he does have some interesting insights.
Tony's thoughts on Making An Open Relationship Work
Seattle Polyamory Page has information on the local poly community.
SPIN is the Seattle Poly Intimacy Network
Seattle Poly Potlucks a bi-monthly social gathering and discussion group for poly and poly-friendly people
The Poly ForUUm of Greater Seattle is an official local chapter of Unitarian Universalists for Polyamory Awareness
Polycamp NW is an annual gathering of poly and poly-friendly people, held in the general vicinity of Seattle. It includes workshops, activities for kids, movies, music, and one heck of a good time.
Loving More is "a quarterly publication whose mission is to support, explore, and enhance responsibility in relationships."
If you want to learn more, there are some good books on polyamory. One of the best is The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities; another is Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits. Or, try some of the other titles on this list of polyamory-related books.
Poly-Friendly Professionals List therapists, lawyers, doctors, and more
PolyAndProud.com has some great poly-themed merchandise--t-shirts, mugs, stickers, and more
Here's a little film that will tell you all about living the poly life in just four minutes...Polly Wally!
Poly Purity Test How PC (Polyamorously Correct) are you?
Being bisexual, it seems especially stupid to me that legal marriage is an option available only to male/female couples. I can easily imagine myself in a committed relationship with a man or a woman, and it makes no sense that I could marry one partner and enjoy all the legal benefits (and liabilities) that come with that, but I couldn't marry the other. Because I happen to be in a relationship with a man and we've chosen to take advantage of the option to marry, I feel especially honor-bound to support organizations like these that are working to widen the options available to everyone.The National Freedom to Marry Collaborative is a nationwide coalition committed to winning and keeping the freedom to marry for same-gender couples.
The Alternatives to Marriage Project is a national organization that provides resources, advocacy, and support to people who have chosen not to get married, are unable to marry, or are in the process of deciding whether marriage is right for them (including poly folks in relationships with multiple partners).
And here are some good, general queer links (and links to sites about diverse sexualities):QueerAmerica says it's the the largest collection of lesbigay resources in the nation, and includes information on community centers, support organizations, PFLAG chapters, lesbigay youth groups, and more
National Gay and Lesbian Task Force
PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
Gay/Lesbian Politics and Law: WWW and Internet Resources
HipFaerie is a space for gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth who have roots in modern hip culture--in other words, queer hippies!
Fem-World "Resources for Women"
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is a national organization committed to protecting freedom of expression among consenting adults.
Warrior~Poet has a great selection of computer icons, desktops, and web graphics--gay, bi, trans, bear , leather, and more
You've heard about it, but now...fully revealed for the first time...The Homosexual Agenda!
This is an article written by Jon Michael Bell on anti-queer activist Rev. Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas. The story of how it was almost suppressed is scary enough, but the tale it tells is even more frightening. If you're prepared to be shocked, nauseated, and reminded of how far we have to go in creating a tolerant, just world, then you really need to read it.And on a much happier note, Uncle Donald's Castro Street Gallery is a fabulous site with photos and memories of the Castro and San Francisco in the seventies.
